If you are in the aftermath of infidelity, you probably feel the need to know the truth and nothing but. The questions is: Will the truth after infidelity actually set you free? The answer to this is not as simple as it may seem.
If the truth really does set you free, then how come many report the opposite when it comes to truth after infidelity? Why is it that after betrayed partners learn the details they end up being haunted by intrusive thoughts and images? In fact, parts of the truth after infidelity can be re-traumatizing for partners and have the potential to stop or regress the healing process.
Sense of coherence loss
Look, it makes perfect sense that hurt partners have many questions. It’s because when you learn about infidelity in your relationship, you lose your sense of coherence. Everything you knew about the world, about your relationship, and about your partner is shattered into small pieces that don’t connect anymore. So, as the hurt partner, you will have to recreate your sense of coherence.
And, how do you do that? By asking questions and getting answers.
But that in it of itself may not completely solve your problem because you need to know what questions to ask, and what to avoid. And the unfaithful partner needs to know how to answer with compassion and patience even if you already asked this a few times before.
So, can the truth really set you free? Well, the truth can set you free while tying you down. Sounds confusing, I know, but there’s a logical explanation that can help you sort out what kind of questions will bring you the truth and help you heal.
Biggest Takeaways You Don’t Want to Miss:
- The difference between types of questions and the answers they invite.
- How to invite transparency into your relationship while lessening traumatic information.
- In the aftermath of infidelity, finding meaning as to why this happened is far more valuable than just finding facts.
- When seeking the truth, it is about getting information that is going to benefit you in rebuilding your relationship and avoiding retraumatizing information that has the potential to push you backwards.
Episode Highlights:
- The one-dimensional lens society has imposed on us and why it’s not helpful to a healing relationship. (3:30)
- The simplicity and complexity of finding out the truth. (7:29)
- Get to know the monster you are fighting (affair? one-night stand? Is it really over?) (11:39)
- The top-notch questions you should be asking to heal your relationship and the ones you should try to avoid. (13:05)
These questions are not easy and the conversations around them may be uncomfortable for the two of you. But the silver lining (or beauty) of this is that those very uncomfortable conversations have the potential to create a depth of understanding that brings closeness. Many couples report that they have a stronger connection as a result of some meaningful conversations trying to understand the meaning of the infidelity.
Links mentioned in this episode:
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