When infidelity enters a relationship, it often unleashes a flood of confusion, devastation, and desperate searching for answers. Among the most common and immediate questions couples ask in the aftermath is: “Is it sex addiction?”
For many, this label seems to offer clarity and explanation. But what if the label doesn’t quite fit? What if it leads you down a treatment path that misses the heart of the issue?
In this post, we’ll explore the complexities behind out-of-control sexual behavior, what the term “sex addiction” really means (and doesn’t), and why a different framework that offers more clarity, more agency, and more healing might be the better path forward.
What Does the Term “Sex Addiction” Really Mean?
The Popular Understanding vs. Clinical Reality
“Sex addiction” is a term many people use when describing behaviors that feel out of control compulsive porn use, secretive encounters, paying for sex, or repeated infidelities. It suggests that the person is acting compulsively, without control, and despite negative consequences.
But here’s the critical distinction:
Sex addiction is not an official mental health diagnosis.
The DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), which is the primary reference manual for psychiatric diagnoses in the U.S., does not recognize “sex addiction” as a formal disorder. A proposed diagnosis called “Hypersexual Disorder” was reviewed but ultimately rejected due to several key issues:
- Insufficient research to support it as a distinct condition
- Lack of agreed-upon diagnostic criteria
- Concern over pathologizing normal sexual behavior
- Inconsistencies with how addiction is typically defined
This doesn’t mean that out-of-control sexual behavior isn’t real or painful. It absolutely is. But it raises a vital question.
If It’s Not Sex Addiction, Then What Is It?
Out-of-Control Sexual Behavior (OCSB) as an Alternative Lens
Instead of focusing on labels like “addiction,” a growing number of therapists, including those of us here at Relationship Experts, are turning to a model called Out of Control Sexual Behavior (OCSB), developed by therapist and sexual health expert Doug Braun-Harvey.
OCSB views out-of-control sexual behavior not as a disorder or disease, but as a problem to be understood and worked through, one that often results from emotional distress, internal conflict, or misalignment with personal values.
Here’s what’s powerful about this model:
- It emphasizes accountability without shame.
- It offers the person struggling a sense of agency; you’re not broken; you’re stuck in a pattern that you can change.
- It focuses on sexual health, not suppression.
This is especially important for couples healing from infidelity. Because stopping a behavior, like watching porn or engaging in secret sexual activity, isn’t the same as healing. Without understanding what’s driving the behavior, the pattern often repeats.
What’s the Risk of Labeling Everything as Addiction?
The Consequences of Mislabeling
In a well-known article titled “Do We All Have Behavioral Addictions?”, Dr. Allen Frances, former chair of the DSM-IV Task Force, warned against over-pathologizing behaviors like sex, shopping, gaming, or internet use.
He argues that:
“Repetitive (even if quite costly) pleasure seeking is a ubiquitous part of human nature, while compulsive behavior that is not rewarding is relatively rare.”
In other words, it’s very normal for humans to do things that feel good, even when they sometimes get us into trouble. That doesn’t automatically make it an addiction.
Dr. Frances’s concern was this: If we start calling every impulsive or emotionally-driven behavior an “addiction,” we risk turning normal struggles into psychiatric labels—removing personal responsibility and blocking meaningful healing.
What Does Out-of-Control Sexual Behavior Look Like?
Real-Life Examples from the Couples We Work With
At Relationship Experts, we’ve worked with hundreds of couples in the aftermath of infidelity, many of whom were trying to understand confusing patterns of sexual behavior.
Here’s what we often see:
- A spouse who secretly watches porn daily and feels immense guilt but doesn’t know how to stop
- A spouse who seeks emotional and physical validation outside her marriage when conflict or loneliness creeps in
- A partner who visits sex workers during business trips, then comes home feeling ashamed and disconnected
In many of these cases, the person didn’t experience lasting pleasure from the behavior. Instead, they used it as a way to cope with overwhelming stress, anxiety, or emotional pain.
This is what the OCSB model helps uncover. It asks:
“What purpose did this behavior serve, and how can we replace it with something healthier?”
Why Is Stopping the Behavior Alone Not Enough?
The Emotional Function Behind the Behavior Matters
Let’s say someone is told to stop watching porn or engaging in casual sex to “fix” the problem. While that might seem like progress, it can backfire if the emotional triggers that led to the behavior are ignored.
For example:
- One client shared that he turned to porn when he was feeling anxious or overwhelmed. It gave him quick relief, even if it brought shame afterward
- Another said she used sex to escape the loneliness she felt in her relationship, long before the affair happened
If we take away the behavior without exploring its meaning, we risk removing the symptom but not healing the wound.
In those cases, abstinence alone can leave the person even more vulnerable and at risk of returning to the behavior the next time they feel stressed, disconnected, or emotionally raw.
When we work with couples in our infidelity recovery program, we help them identify what the out-of-control sexual behavior was serving. We then guide the affected partner in developing a plan to address the deeper issue using relationally healthy choices.
What Can Couples Do If This Is Happening in Their Relationship?
Whether you’re the hurt partner or the one who acted outside the relationship, here are tangible steps you can take to move toward healing, together or individually.
Unfaithful Partner:
- Reflect on your values. What kind of partner do you want to be? Is your current behavior aligned with that?
- Track your emotional patterns. What feelings come up when you feel the urge to act out sexually, stress, shame, loneliness?
- Seek support from a therapist trained in OCSB. You deserve a model that prioritizes growth, not shame
- Own your impact with honesty and accountability. Healing begins here
Hurt Partner:
- Prioritize your emotional safety first. You don’t need to rush the healing. Stabilize before diving in
- Educate yourself about OCSB. Understanding the model can offer new language and clarity
- Set boundaries to protect your peace. Be clear about what you need right now
- Give yourself grace. This is hard, and you’re allowed to take your time
If You’re Doing This Together:
- Don’t get stuck on the addiction label. Focus instead on behavior, values, and healing
- Get structured support. A good program or therapist can help you move forward with a plan
- Rebuild based on transparency and emotional connection. Repair is possible with commitment and care
So… Is It Sex Addiction?
Maybe. Maybe not. But what’s more important is this:
Is the behavior hurting you? Is it out of alignment with your values? Do you want something different?
If the answer is yes, there is a path forward.
You don’t have to settle for labels that don’t feel right or for treatment that doesn’t go deep enough. You deserve a process that addresses the real pain, the real patterns, and the real possibility for healing.
Ready to Take the Next Step?
If this post spoke to you, and you’re ready to explore healing in a guided, compassionate, and proven way, we’re here to support you.
Our It’s Okay to Stay Infidelity Recovery Coaching Program is designed to help couples move through the complexity of betrayal, including out-of-control sexual behavior, and rebuild trust from the ground up.
Schedule your free 45-minute consultation with our program specialist and take the first step toward a new chapter!
You don’t have to walk this path alone. We’re here, and healing is absolutely possible.
Resources Mentioned in This Episode
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