The short answer: There isn’t one right answer to whether you should tell your parents about an affair. Once they know, they can’t unknow, so it may help to picture how they’ll react before you decide. And if they already know and want you to leave, you can welcome their worry without handing them the decision, says Idit Sharoni, LMFT, an infidelity recovery specialist since 2013.

When Your Family Wants You to Leave After the Affair Before You’ve Decided Anything.

You finally tell your mom about the affair. You’ve been carrying it for weeks, maybe months, and you finally say it out loud. He cheated. Or she cheated. And before you can even finish the sentence, she says it: leave. You deserve better.

And here’s what makes it so hard. Your mom isn’t wrong to be scared. She loves you. But you haven’t decided anything yet. You’re still trying to figure out what happened, what you want, and whether you can ever trust this person again. And now you’re also managing her.

This is the subject of Episode 94 of Relationships Uncomplicated, where I sat down with Dr. Ana de la Cruz, LMFT, one of the therapists on our team at Relationship Experts. Ana’s doctoral research looked at the lived experiences of unfaithful partners, how they experience forgiveness, and what it takes for them to commit to rebuilding trust. Last week, in Episode 93, Yael and I talked about grown children who step into their parents’ marriage after an affair. This time we look at the same storm from the other direction: your parents, your siblings, your family, telling you what to do with your marriage.

I want to be clear about who this is for. It’s for you, the hurt partner, whose family keeps saying leave. And it’s for the two of you, if you’re trying to heal while the people you love most are pulling the other way. This isn’t about putting your family on trial. Their love is real, and their fear is real. But what you may need most from your family right now isn’t a verdict. It’s somewhere safe to land while you figure things out.

Key Takeaways: Should I Tell My Parents My Spouse Cheated?

• There’s no single right answer to whether you should tell your parents your spouse cheated, but once they know, they can’t unknow. Idit Sharoni, LMFT, suggests picturing how your parents are likely to react before you decide. If you stay and rebuild, they may hold that pain toward your partner long after the two of you begin to heal.
• A parent’s urge to say “leave” usually comes from fear, not from a clear view of your marriage. Dr. Ana de la Cruz, LMFT, explains that the push to act fast is often really the urge to make the fear stop. Your family may also have heard only the worst chapter, told at the worst moment of your life.
• You can welcome your family’s worry without handing them the decision. Simple words help: “I don’t need you to decide for me. I need you to love me while I figure this out.” If you’re safe, keeping an open channel instead of shutting your parents out lets them see the chapters they missed.
• “Once a cheater, always a cheater” tells you far less than behavior over time. Dr. de la Cruz’s research with unfaithful partners found remorse, shame, and a real drive to repair, and lasting change takes both inner work and consistent, transparent action. Staying and leaving can both take courage; what matters is that the decision is informed, freely made, and yours.

What Should I Think About Before I Tell My Parents About the Affair?

When it comes to whether you should tell your parents about the affair, there isn’t a clear-cut answer, and I’d be careful with anyone who gives you one. In our program, we spend a whole lesson on a couple’s healing potential, what raises it and what lowers it, and one of the things we keep coming back to is who you confide in, especially your parents.

It’s so natural to want to. Your world just fell apart, and you want to cry on your mom’s shoulder or your dad’s shoulder. You want someone to hold you and tell you it’s going to be okay. And sometimes that turns out to be a wonderful decision. Parents can be wiser and calmer. They’ve lived more life, and they can give you exactly the support you need in that moment.

But sometimes it turns out to be a painful one, because parents can also be very protective of their child, even their adult child, and they may not be able to tolerate this much uncertainty for you. And once they know, they can’t unknow. So if you decide to stay and rebuild, they may carry that pain toward your partner long after the two of you have started to heal.

What Should I Think About Before I Tell My Parents My Spouse Cheated?

So before you tell them about the affair, try to anticipate your parents’ reaction as best you can, because you know them. Then decide whether you actually want to tell. Ana put it beautifully on the episode: it isn’t a question of whether your parents love you. Of course they do. It’s a question of how much uncertainty they can hold for you right now.

What Happens for My Parents When I Tell Them About the Affair?

When you tell your parents about the affair, shock usually comes first. Ana describes it so clearly: a parent’s body reacts before their mind has caught up. Their heart races, they may feel sick or furious, or they may want to get in the car and drive over to protect you. Then the questions start. How long has this been going on? Who was it? How could anyone do this to my child?

Underneath all of it is fear. What happens to my child now? Their home, their kids, their future? Ana, who is a mother of four, says the instinct to protect our children is enormous, so the first reaction may be “leave him, leave her, you deserve better.” It comes from love, from fear, and from wanting to shield their child from more pain. And as Ana puts it, the urge to act fast is often really the urge to make the fear stop.

So if you’re the one who made that call, your parents’ reaction may tell you a lot about how scared they are for you. It doesn’t necessarily tell you what’s right for your marriage.

Can My Parents Feel Betrayed by the Affair Too?

I’d add one more thing. Your parents may feel betrayed too. They welcomed this person into the family, sometimes for decades. They sat across from them at holidays. So part of what you’re hearing may be their own hurt, and that may not be yours to carry.

What Does It Do to Me When My Family Keeps Saying “Leave”?

It can make everything so much harder. You’re already hurting, and you’re already confused. You’re trying to process what happened, what you want, and what you believe. Hearing “you need to leave” or “once a cheater, always a cheater” adds another layer of pressure to something that’s already overwhelming.

Ana raised something I see in my office all the time. You may not even have the bandwidth to defend the person who hurt you. To say, “Mom, he’s actually a good man,” or “She made a terrible mistake, but she’s changing.” You may not know that yet for yourself. You may be furious with your partner too. So when your family asks you to defend them, it puts you in an impossible position. Now you’re not only processing your own betrayal. You feel like you have to convince your parents why you’re even considering staying.

And it’s not only your family. Friends, coworkers, social media, the culture as a whole, all of it can carry the same message. Why are you staying with him? I would never stay. So when your own family says it too, it can be especially painful, because home is often the one place we hope we won’t have to defend ourselves.

Why Do Hurt Partners Stop Talking to Their Families?

Here’s what I see again and again. The hurt partner slowly stops sharing with their family. Not necessarily because they’ve decided to stay, but because so many conversations turn into a debate they don’t have the energy for. And then they can end up alone with one of the hardest decisions of their lives.

Why Does My Family Only See the Worst of It?

Because when you tell your parents about the affair, they usually hear only one version of what happened. When you called them, you were calling at the worst moment of your life. What they heard was the pain, the shock, and the worst of what happened. That’s real. But as Ana says, it’s a snapshot, not the whole movie.

Families form opinions fast, and opinions are hard to take back. So a few months later, if you’re working on your marriage, the parent who called your partner a liar and a cheater may be sitting across the dinner table from them. That’s hard on everyone, and it’s often hardest on you. So you go quiet, because you expect your mom to be disappointed or your dad to shut down.

You may not want to give your family the whole movie, and that’s okay. It just helps to know they may still be reading the chapter you gave them that night, while you’re living in all the chapters since.

How Do I Ask My Family for Support Without Handing Them the Decision?

You’re allowed to tell them what you need. Ana offered words you can actually use, and I love them for how simple they are. “Right now, I just need you to listen.” Or, “I don’t need advice tonight. I just need you.” And if you want to say the bigger thing: “I don’t need you to decide for me. I need you to love me while I figure this out.”

What you’re really asking for is love without conditions. I love you if you leave or if you stay. I love you if you don’t know what you want yet. That gives you a secure place to land, and you’re allowed to ask for exactly that.

When your parent is really worried, and they will be, their worry can be very welcome. A verdict is a different thing. You can say, “I know you’re worried, and I’m glad you care. I’m getting professional help.” That honors their concern without handing them the decision.

After I Tell My Parents About the Affair, Can I Ask Them to Keep It Private?

It’s also your story, so you get to decide who knows. You can ask your parents not to share it with relatives or friends, and you can share the process without sharing every detail. Your family can have boundaries too. If a parent isn’t ready to be around your partner, that can be okay for a season. Where it can get really painful is when you start to feel asked to choose between them and your partner.

Should I Shut My Parents Out If They’re Against Me Staying?

If you already chose to tell your parents about the affair and they’re against you staying, it may help not to shut them out. I know it can be tempting, because so many of those conversations really hurt. But if you can, try to keep some kind of open channel.

Maybe that means keeping them updated on your healing process, and on what your partner is actively doing to heal your heart and earn your trust. It’s not so much about asking for their permission. It’s more about letting them see some of the chapters they missed.

And if you’re safe and working on it, remember the cocoon Yael talked about in Episode 93. This is a similar idea. It doesn’t have to mean shutting your family out. It can be a way of protecting the room where the repair gets to happen.

What If I Don’t Feel Safe With My Partner?

I want to say one thing clearly. Everything we talk about in this episode assumes you’re safe. If there’s violence, threats, or you’re afraid of your partner, that’s a different conversation, and your safety comes first. Listen to your parents and let them support you.

Is It True That Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?

Ana’s research tells a more complicated, more human story than that sentence allows. In her study of unfaithful partners, she saw remorse, guilt, responsibility, regret, anger toward themselves, sadness, and deep shame. She also saw perseverance: the desire to save the marriage and the family, the willingness to do whatever it took to repair the damage, and even the simple wish for their partner to sleep peacefully at night and eventually feel safe with them again.

What Does Real Change Look Like After an Affair?

None of that excuses the betrayal. And change isn’t automatic. Ana describes it as inner work, confronting yourself, understanding your choices, taking responsibility, and developing genuine remorse, alongside outer work, rebuilding trust, changing behavior, and being consistent and transparent. Trust doesn’t magically return because someone says they’re sorry. But people are capable of becoming different.

So a label may tell you very little. Behavior over time tells you much more. Maybe the relationship ends. Maybe the person who cheated doesn’t change. Or maybe they do. You may not know yet, and that may be one more reason this decision is best left in your hands. This is what I mean when I say good people make terrible mistakes. When your family sees only the villain, it can be hard for them to notice what real change looks like, and it may be hard for you too if theirs is the loudest voice you’re hearing.

What If I’m the Unfaithful Partner and My In-Laws See Me as the Villain?

That can be a really delicate place to be, and there usually isn’t one right answer. Every family is different, so in our work with couples we try to look at each one on its own terms, and sometimes we get a little creative.

With some of our couples, for example, we’ve explored the idea of the unfaithful partner reaching out to an in-law and starting a conversation, when it felt right for the couple, and with a lot of preparation and guidance from us. I’ve seen those conversations turn out to be healing for everyone. It isn’t for every family, and it isn’t something I’d suggest trying on your own or in the heat of the moment. It’s one example of how we try to think outside the box when a situation feels stuck.

How Should My Own Parents Respond If I’m the One Who Cheated?

And if it’s your own parents, Ana says love and accountability aren’t opposites. A parent can say, “What you did was wrong, and I still love you.” But it usually doesn’t help when they plead your case to your partner or ask your partner to forgive you on your behalf. Comforting the person who hurt them isn’t really the hurt partner’s job, and it may not be their family’s job either.

Does Staying Mean I’ve Let My Family Down?

So many hurt partners feel that way, that staying means they’ve let their family down or that they’re weak. Forgiveness is such a loaded word in this conversation, and Ana spent years studying it. Forgiveness isn’t forgetting, condoning, or excusing, and it isn’t the same thing as reconciliation. Researchers at UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center describe it the same way: forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting or condoning, and it doesn’t obligate you to reconcile with the person who hurt you (Greater Good Science Center). Someone can forgive and still leave. Someone can stay and still be working on forgiving.

Forgiveness can’t really be demanded, not by the partner who cheated, and not by your family, in either direction. When someone pushes you to forgive, it can take the decision away from you. When they push you to never forgive, it can do the same thing. In the end, you’re the one who gets to decide whether the evidence feels like enough. Staying and leaving can both take enormous courage. What matters is whether the decision is informed, freely made, and yours.

How Do We Get Through Thanksgiving and the Family Group Chat After an Affair?

Start with each other. Whether or not you’ve decided to tell your parents about the affair, Ana suggests deciding together, as a couple, what your family will be told and how you want to handle the next gathering. Plan ahead so no one gets ambushed. You can ask your family for what you need in the room: no side comments, no interrogations, no glaring across the table. And if there are kids or grandchildren there, no negative talk about either parent in front of them, because children notice far more than we think.

What If My Parent Apologizes for What They Said Early On?

And if a parent was harsh in the early days and comes back to you with something like, “I said some things because I was scared for you,” you can let that repair in. It can be healing for you, and it can open the door for your whole family to come together again as you heal.

Let me ask you the same question I asked in Episode 93. Think about this past week. How much of your energy went to managing your family’s reactions, and how much went to the work you and your partner actually need to do together?

FAQ:

Should I Tell My Parents About the Affair?

• Should I tell my parents my spouse cheated?
  It depends largely on how your parents are likely to react. Idit Sharoni, LMFT, suggests anticipating their reaction before you decide, because once they know, they can’t unknow, and they may carry that pain toward your partner long after the two of you begin to heal.
• What can I say to my parents when they want me to leave after an affair?
  Dr. Ana de la Cruz, LMFT, suggests words like, “I don’t need you to decide for me. I need you to love me while I figure this out,” or, “I know you’re worried, and I’m glad you care. I’m getting professional help.” These honor a parent’s concern without handing them the decision.
• Should I cut off my parents if they’re against me staying?
  Not necessarily. Idit Sharoni, LMFT, suggests trying to keep an open channel where you can, sharing how the healing is going and what your partner is doing to earn your trust, so your parents can see some of the chapters they missed. This assumes you’re safe; if you’re afraid of your partner, your safety comes first.
• Is it true that once a cheater, always a cheater?
  Not necessarily. Dr. Ana de la Cruz, LMFT, found in her research with unfaithful partners remorse, shame, and a real desire to repair, alongside the inner and outer work that change requires. None of that excuses the betrayal, but a label tells you very little, and behavior over time tells you much more.
• Does forgiving my spouse mean I have to stay?
  No. Forgiveness isn’t forgetting, condoning, or excusing, and it isn’t the same as reconciliation. Someone can forgive and still leave, and someone can stay and still be working on forgiving.
• What if my in-laws see me as the villain after I cheated?
  There’s usually no single right answer, because every family is different. With some couples, Idit Sharoni, LMFT, has helped the unfaithful partner reach out to an in-law and start a conversation, when it felt right for the couple and with a lot of preparation. It isn’t something to try alone or in the heat of the moment.
• How do we get through Thanksgiving after an affair?
  Start with each other. Decide together, as a couple, what your family will be told and how you’ll handle the gathering, so no one gets ambushed. You can also ask your family for what you need in the room: no side comments, no interrogations, and no negative talk about either parent in front of the kids.
• What is the It’s Okay to Stay program?
  It’s Okay to Stay is the infidelity recovery program from Relationship Experts for committed couples who want to see whether healing is possible. A private 45-minute consultation helps a couple find out whether it’s the right fit, with no agenda about whether they stay or leave.

You Don’t Have to Make This Decision Alone

Whether you tell your parents about the affair or keep it between the two of you, you may not be able to make them fully understand why you’re staying. You can request a private 45-minute consultation, and we’ll look at your situation together and tell you honestly whether our program, It’s Okay to Stay, is the right fit for the two of you. We have no agenda about whether you stay or leave.

Whether you tell your parents your spouse cheated or keep it between the two of you, you may not be able to make them fully understand why you’re staying. But you can make sure you don’t have to make this decision alone.

Listen to the full episode, “Should I Tell My Parents About the Affair?“, on Relationships Uncomplicated wherever you get your podcasts, or watch it on YouTube.